Time Just Goes Take Care with Kidness

It’s been so long since I last wrote a blog and so much in my life has happened.

It’s shown me something how quick time goes, we all say it goes so quick. We’ve given birth and all of a sudden our children are at school or on their first date. It’s Christmas and then we’re sunbathing in July.

But

How many times have you wanted the day to be over, or counted the hours until the end of your shift or bed time for the kids?

There’s something wrong here and I am just about done with being BPD, I’m fed up with the label, I’m fed up with loosing people because they don’t understand. I’m fed up with my week broken up by appointments and having no money because I can’t hold down a job due to my just intense emotions, feelings and anger.

When someone does something wrong, or not right I can’t let it go and it always leaves me in a sticky situation because I don’t understand why the world can’t just be kind and loving and people treated nicely.

So how about we take a different stance on this. We don’t count down the hours. We take it an hour by day. Each hour we do something that makes us happy or grounds us, reminds us who we are.

I’m thinking have a cup of tea, listen to a favourite song, getting up and dancing, messaging a friend, reading a book, taking the kids out, just taking a break for five minutes. Each hour.

We need to fill our heads with love and light otherwise the world seems like the darkest place and even though it can be. It isn’t always

Is there anybody out there?

Nothing gets to my soul more than relating to someone. When you hear that blessed “oh my god same here” “I do that” “the same thing happened to me.” Such a beautiful sense of not being a lone. You aren’t the only one. There’s freedom in that.

I can’t quite explain it but when I first became unwell I had no idea what was going on I just knew I couldn’t live like it and I was scared. No one spoke about feeling that way. I felt like an outcast, spoilt, like nothing could make me happy I was just an empty shell of a human being.

Months went by. Months. Maybe even years I don’t remember clearly of that time these days but I met people who felt like I did. Were just as confused, just as lost, just as darkened and just as scared. It was horrific to see so much suffering from trauma or just life in general but it was also amazingly liberating to know there is a group of amazingly special people out there fighting wars every single day with their mind. What their mind perceives as truth. What their mind remembers, focuses on and feeds. These people take it on the chin daily and Warrior is not a good enough definition.

It’s one of the hardest things to believe that it doesn’t last forever. This is not it. Things do change and YOU are the person that can change it. Unfortunately there is no job role on this planet that means someone can drag you off the kitchen floor while you cry uncontrollably but people can listen and people can encourage you to stand on your own feet and stand up.

When your mind is taken from you it is impossible to see such beauty in the world. To see the wonder in a leaf changing colour or the stars lightyears away shining down so brightly. It’s there. It always will be, when you feel better it will be there. You will see the beauty again. That I absolutely promise you; a stranger to you I know but it’s pure fact and I hope you are willing to give it a go? To appreciate the birds, the trees the sunset or fog on an early crisp morning?

This is when it’s down, dark, twisted your mind unable to get your body to function to do even the most simplest of tasks. What about the hype? The manic, the buzz the can’t stop. Like a circle of torture created by a higher power who just hated humans! A false sense of security that you’re better or you’re getting there everything’s getting done, you’re a social butterfly, everything’s amazing but after experience you start to realise it’s all fake and then worry about when the “high” ends.

It’s hard, it’s a path I wouldn’t wish any to walk down but it’s a totally walkable path. Like any there are twists, bumps, divides but recovery is not linear. It is not perfect but it is worth it.

I know it’s hard to see, hard to believe hard to even understand when you’re going through it but the most important message of all is that you can honestly smash it. Get through the other day and dare I say it, have more good days than bad. It’s what’s happening to me now. Living proof.

Please don’t give up.

When the monsters move out from under your bed

STOP

HAMMER TIME

My head at 3am. If I’m to tell anyone I don’t sleep the amount of sympathy is unreal. Please believe I appreciate this. I truly do. What I do NOT is when health professionals ask there script of questions one of them being “are you getting enough sleep”

“Not even close”

“Probably why you feel so bad all the time, you need to get at least 8 hours, it’s so important you really should try”

I understand this, of course it’s important lack of sleep affects me more than anything and is infact one of my biggest triggers. Please believe when I tell you this I try. By god do I frikin try. Now I just give up. Now I just write.

It calms me, it’s productive and to be completely honest the normally mad house is soothing peaceful and quiet. I can hear the night buses pulling up outside, the dog breathing heavily at my feet and the most surprisingly soothing of them all; the clock ticking. I can’t hear it in the day but at night it feels peaceful. Like a reminder of the beautiful blanket of silence that surrounds the house.

I’m so lucky that after hours of talking it out and having very few close supportive friends I don’t lie awake thinking negatively. No trauma or past experience runs around in my head. Not like it used too. I use my day techniques in the night too. Immersing myself insenses.

The tick of the clock

The softness in my blanket

Firmness of my pillow

Warmth of the dog on my feet

The smell lingering from cakes baked the evening bedore

Sounds of work men on the train tracks

These beautiful sounds go on through the night, they calm me. I feel safe now. Like the ipifany this is I wonder. All the nights I spent awake feeling unsafe. Unsafe because of others and unsafe because of myself. That’s over now. I can enjoy the world. Sleep will come one day, until then I’m going to wrap myself in a duvet listening and taking in the beauty of the night knowing the trauma monsters of the past have gone now.

Slipt away into the darkness far far away.

So to anyone that rocks, tosses, turns and cries it gets easier. You’ll get through it. The pain will be forced out and you’ll have nights where it’s calm, nights where you sleep and nights where you feel happy.

Higher than I need to be

The days beautiful today.

Almost perfect, the sun is beautiful acting like a giant heat lamp on my face while the air freezes little droplets of water around my eyes like icicles.

The dramatic difference in heat on my face and cold on my body just reminds me how amazing the world is. And reflects exactly how my emotions feel. Two different sides of the spectrum being felt at exactly the same time. How nature and your brain can do this to you send such a variation of senses through your body leaves me in awe.

Also so confused is it unfair we feel like this? We feel such dramatics either simultaneously or they change so quickly not only confusing ourselves but people around us. Dark dark days that seem to last forever until that tiny sunshine creeps through the blinds. Or a dark hour turns to a bright one within minutes.

Just as if your brain goes through seasons. Although nature seasons are natural we are somehow made to feel we are unnatural and filled with medication.

Like the sun on my face and the cold air on my chest my heart is in two confusing places so I focus on the snow. On the crunch beneath my feet to the tiny holes all over the ice where it starts to melt.

This a lone is therapy for me, to really immerse myself in the outside, the smells, the feels, the tastes, the noises. It’s amazing to actually take in the surroundings instead of hurrying through them to get from one place or another or worse walk with phone in hand looking at what everyone else is doing instead of what you are.

Romeo, O’ Romeo what BE sleep?

Featured

I’ve taken all my meds, meditated, my crystals are under my pillow and to be honest I have had the best couple hours sleep of my life.

Wait

Hell NAH

That cannot be it for me tonight!

My son is sleeping people, he is sleeping that is one sorcery miracle right there! Yet here I am flipping through social media like my life depends on it. Honestly, that’s probably the problem. It’s a calming though, I like having a nose at pictures, watching viral videos and people walking into glass screen doors!

When anxiety crept up on me in the first place I never believed that it would have that much of an impact on everything I did. Yeh prevents a hell of a lot and some tasks that are tiny to some people are MOMUMENTAL to me. For example being able to sleep throughout the whole bloody night!! I’ve learnt to reign it in though I can’t lie.

For example I went to a job interview last week and intend to take it on all being well with childcare. Again completely normal to some but a nerve wracking, nail biting, body shaking concept to myself!

Although I have learnt with anxiety that pushing through it for me works wonders. I do my self talk, my meditation, my pros and cons and I get there. Somehow. Probably the clonazapam!

So I guess what I am trying to say is it’s totaly doable. We can beat anxiety. It’s hard exhausting work but we can do it. (Says she unable to get a decent nights sleep for years) it’s true though. More often than not the worse that can happen isn’t even that bad when we truly truly think about it.

Now I’m about to do something naughty to help me sleep kids.

Thanks for reading